Living abroad is bloody tough. That is what i feel right now.
To tell you the truth, I come to Taiwan by Tuition- Free scholarship. Which means, i can go to school for free but i have to earn money by myself. This is totally new for me. I got scholarships to study abroad before, but they all came with stipend money.
Never in my life, i have to worry about my living day by day, about what i am going to eat tomorrow, and whether i have enough money to live next month.
Of course, i keep asking myself.
“Why? Am i not good enough? Am i under qualified? Have i become blunt over time?”
And i asked God too. The exact same questions.
We prayed hard about me studying abroad. We means me, and my spiritual mentors. My previous job in UPH drew me closer with many inspiring youth pastors, in which i learned a lot. They knew my qualities, and they also wondered why i did not get full scholarship.
Ko David, one of the best youth pastor that i ever met, told me this: “ I have prayed, and i got an answer for your struggle. It is now time for you to become one step higher in your faith. Before, God gave you 100% certainty in life, and you can be thankful to God for His providence upon you. Now, He put you in 50% certainty, and 50% uncertainty. So that you may depend on God more. In the future, you will even get through 100% uncertainty. That is life, you know. God takes care of his children in many ways.”
I shrunk. Yes. I tend to lean on myself more. I am more like a chin up person, someone who is prone to be proud. A very dangerous sin. Most of the times, because i feel like i am capable, i do something without praying. I take all the credit for myself and forget to thank God for what He has done.
I was scared too. I hate uncertainty and i was not sure how was i going to live in Taiwan. I kept telling my Dad that i was going to work here. He asked me,” What are you going to do?”. I just kept quiet because i had no clue.
It was easier to go back down and not going.
Pak Kun (my spiritual father) told me this, “ If it is from God. Then go, just go by faith.”
Was it easy? No, i struggled in my prayer. I kept thinking about my motives going to Taiwan. until i was sure. Until i found that peace.
After that, i knew i had to take action. Faith without deeds is just as good as dead. I bravely sent the confirmation letter, took my HUGE American luggages out from my grandma`s house. Pray pray pray, do do do
Do what?? Wait a while..
My salary was just enough for my living and to cover some of family expenses.
I had 4.000.000 in a bank, and i used it all up to bought ticket. Simply because i knew, if i did not buy ticket, i would go back down because i am a coward. After buying, i smiled bitterly.
My visa requirement? 40.000.000
My minimum allowance money? 10.000.000
Then it began. Prayers + Tears + Work
I did endless call and tried to convince people to cover the visa requirements. I applied to more than 20 English schools in Taipei alone. Those countless emails. Those bickering and pressures from my parents. Those unbearable anxiety. Those dark ages.
When i came back to HIS presence, i was utterly devastated. Uncertainty SUCKS! It was just beginning, but it sucked the life out of me.
But truly only in HIS presence i found peace. He strengthened me. He strengthened my faith. Only by praying and by staying close to him, i can be stronger. Faith makes me sure of what I hope for.
Do you know what God has done for me?
- To be continued-
Special thanks to my mentors. I owe you a lot. Thank you for great examples of faith, love, and dedication.
L – R:
- Me, Pdm. Johanes F.P. Koraag, S. Th.
- Ev. David Koesbianto, S. Th
My beautiful jie jie! Jie Karin Tanojo!If you study in UPH Surabaya, you must attend her class!
My spiritual father: Mr. Koentjoro Angkawidjaja
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